Lunatic Elves
by Blacklite Chaos
Summary: If you woke up in a dress while being paraded through Rivendell by Haldir, would you react the same way Legolas does? Drunken lunatic elves force Legolas through all sorts of indignities. Have fun! =^.^=
1. Are you getting a wierd feeling about th...

Author's note: We are so in a horrendous writing slump. It really, really sucks. Disclaimer: We are not worth suing, trust me. We don't own anything, we Rent. Yeah. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~  
  
"A drunken elf is by far a very bad thing." Legolas swayed and pointed scoldingly at a tree.  
  
Ellrohir laughed uproariously, but stopped abruptly as a hiccup escaped him. Elladan giggled hysterically.  
  
"S'wat 'bout five?" Haldir slurred, sounding authentically curious. We'll assume that he was talking to Legolas, even though he appeared to be addressing a wine jug. " Thas' jus' fun!" Glorfindel chirped in. Everyone turned to Legolas, waiting for his opinion on that particular revelation.  
  
"Yeah, sounds right."  
  
"Yeah!"  
  
"Am I drunk?"  
  
"Yes Glorfindel, you are."  
  
"How'd I get drunk?"  
  
"Same way as me, I s'pect." Legolas yawned widely, then slumped to the cold, hard ground, fast asleep.  
  
The other elves stared at him appraisingly for a few minutes. Ellrohir was first to break the relative silence.  
  
"Why does he look so much like a girl?"  
  
"Don't know."  
  
"He doesn't dress like a girl."  
  
"Course not! He's a he!"  
  
"We could fix that."  
  
"What, the fact he's a guy?"  
  
"No! His clothing."  
  
Ellrohir, Haldir, and Glorfindel stared hard at the smirking Elladan, the evil tone he spoke with and the mischievous glint in his eyes further ruining his badly contrived façade of innocence.  
  
"How!?!"  
  
Elladan smiled indulgently. "I bet that he," the elf motions towards the unconscious form of Legolas, "could fit into at least one of Arwen's dresses." Three sets of eyes flickered from Elladan, to the snoozing Legolas, briefly towards each other, then back to Elladan again.  
  
"Ooooh..fun." 


	2. The not-so-sneaky elf

Authors' Note: Well, once more, boredom takes its toll and we end up writing the second entry in the account of Legolas's unique cross-dressing experience. Hurrah. You wouldn't believe how long it took for our person to conk out so we could write. Well, anyway. it doesn't really matter that much. The problem is extreme when muses don't know what to write next.  
  
Disclaimer: We don't own nothin', you buggers. Don't even try to sue us.it's not worth the lawyer's fees.  
  
Chappie Two!!!!!!!  
  
Ellrohir crept along, dodging carefully from shadow to shadow as he worked his way towards his sister's room.  
  
He cursed his foul luck, wishing he had taken a different blade of grass when choosing who was to pilfer one of Arwen's gowns.  
  
Finally, after what seemed to be an eternity, he reached his sister's chamber. Looking around warily, making sure no one was nearby; he pressed one sensitive ear to the wooden door paneling. He could hear nothing.  
  
Oh-so-carefully, he eased the door open, turning with the swing so it opened and closed smoothly and quietly. He let out a sigh of relief and turned around.  
  
"What, brother, are you doing, sneaking into my room in the middle of the night?" Arwen stood behind him, arms crossed.  
  
Ellrohir backed into the closed door with a small, startled noise. He stared at his sister, wide eyed, and wondered if she was prone to murder.  
  
"Oh, Arwen! I didn't realize you were back from the party yet!" He sounded guilty and knew it.  
  
"Obviously. Now answer the question."  
  
"I.um.you know."  
  
"I don't, but for your sake, I'd better just find out very soon."  
  
Ellrohir's eyes widened even more at the obvious threat.  
  
"Well, it all started when Legolas passed out."  
  
"Wait. Why, exactly, did Legolas 'pass out'?"  
  
"He was drunk."  
  
"I see. May I assume that you are or were as well?"  
  
"Yep. Haldir, Glorfindel and Elladan too."  
  
"Ahh, this is starting to make some sense. So you were sneaking into my room because.?"  
  
"Well, we drew lots and I got the shortest piece, so I had to come here to borrow a dress for Legolas, because he looks so much like a girl, and it would be funny to see what he looks like in a gown. So can I please just get one and leave?"  
  
"."  
  
The other three intoxicated elves looked up as Ellrohir jogged up, his arms full of frothy, sea green silk. Haldir, Glorfindel and Elladan howled with glee, but quietly, as to prevent Legolas from waking up too soon.  
  
"You got it!"  
  
"Yes, but I was caught by Arwen."  
  
"No!"  
  
"She made me give her a promise."  
  
The others waited, but Ellrohir just stood there with the dress, smirking. Finally, Glorfindel broke the silence, and asked, "So.?"  
  
"So.what?" The grin widened.  
  
"What was the promise!?!"  
  
"After Legolas is dressed up, we have been charged with taking him up to show Arwen. And, by the way, the celebration is still going on."  
  
Haldir choked on the wine he had just drank and started coughing. Glorfindel started laughing delightedly, and Elladan said but two words:  
  
"Absolutely Perfect." 


	3. Leggy-kun wakey time!

Authors' Note: Gods, its been a pain recently to even try and get control of the body. The only reason we can now is because Cassie thinks our story here is pretty amusing. Yes people, that WAS a pun. Disclaimer: Over and over again we tell you, we own nothing! Though our person would very much like to kidnap Orlando Bloom and Hugo Weaving. If she does, we'll let you see them for five bucks apiece, until we get sued, that is.  
  
The Amazing Third Chapter!  
  
Legolas's first sensation was of silk rubbing sensuously against his skin. He actually found the sensation rather pleasant.  
  
The next thing that registered was the pounding headache her had managed to achieve through an amazingly heroic effort in ingesting alcohol. That, he decided, had been a very, very bad idea. He wondered why he had done it in the first place.  
  
Then, he wondered why he was wearing silk, for even though he found it enjoyable, it was still rather disconcerting to suddenly be wearing it, when, as far as he remembered, he was supposed to be wearing a light linen tunic and leather breeches.  
  
Soon, he came to the conclusion that someone had put him into the silk. Vaguely, he wondered who would do a thing like that.  
  
Finally, it occurred to him how.floaty.the silk was. Not robe floaty either. Similar, but.not quite.  
  
Something was definitely wrong. There was nothing he would willingly wear that felt like THAT.  
  
Legolas was in motion. That concept finally penetrated the swiftly fading numbness of his previously wine-fogged brain. How did he know this? The subtle currents of air gently ruffling his hair. That, plus the fact that every time the person carrying him took a step, a rather hard shoulder dug into his stomach.  
  
"Put me down."  
  
"Oh goodie! Poor little Legolas is awake." That came, obviously, from the person carrying him.  
  
"Shut up Haldir, your voice is far too loud." Legolas's mind pounded from the headache, which only intensified with sound.  
  
"No, sorry, I'd rather talk. I'm not putting you down either. It would ruin all our fun, plus Arwen would be oh-so-mad at us."  
  
"Huh?" Legolas slumped wearily, then, using Haldir's shoulder to brace himself, he raised his head and upper body high enough to see around. He kept his eyes closed against the vertigo as the blood rushed out of his head, then slowly blinked them open, squinting against the painful light.  
  
He focused on the closest thing, which just happened to be Haldir's blazingly blonde head.  
  
"Haldir, why couldn't you have had black hair or something?"  
  
Several other voices started giggling at that. Continuing to squint around, Legolas recognized Elladan, Ellrohir and Glorfindel. They all appeared to be in one of the many halls of Rivendell. And apparently heading somewhere with a purpose.  
  
The flow of silk over his legs attracted his attention once more, and he turned so he could see what was causing it, a deep set dread forming, worse than when he was surrounded by Orcs. He blinked dumbly at what he saw, until it finally sank in, causing his horror level to skyrocket.  
  
"WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Legolas shrieked.  
  
The others exploded into laughter, and Legolas, frustrated with a lack of anything else to do, grabbed one of Haldir's convenient ears, and twisted. Violently.  
  
With his laughter abruptly cut off, Haldir dropped Legolas to the ground and yelping all the while, tried to pull away from the enraged elven prince's punishing grasp, to no avail. Legolas, even though he was no longer crushing Haldir's ear, still had a VERY firm grip, and was using the proximity of the delicate orifice to scream inappropriate comments loudly enough to burst his unfortunate victim's eardrums. All to the further amusement of the other elves.  
  
"When I get done with him, the rest of you are gonna be in for it too!" That quieted them down rather quickly. They stared in morbid fascination as Legolas growled evil sounding comments into Haldir's ear as the Lorien elf grew paler and paler.  
  
"Maybe we shouldn't have done that to him." whispered Glorfindel to Elladan.  
  
"Yeah."  
  
Everyone's attention, though mainly focused on the sight of Legolas and Haldir, was immediately snapped to the sounds of footsteps and voices approaching.  
  
"I think the scream came from over there."  
  
Legolas's eyes widened, and glancing down at his embarrassing predicament, ducked behind Haldir just as the investigators of his earlier screaming rounded the corners at the end of the hall.  
  
Aragorn, rounding the corner next to his adoptive father and Gimli, was startled to see four elves who had been missing from the celebrations for several hours now. He noticed how guilty they looked, and was about to inquire about that as he noticed a bit of silk sticking out from behind Haldir.  
  
"Who is that behind you?"  
  
**************************************************************************** ********** Naughty us, leaving off there. Reviews might incline us to write more. 


	4. I'm suprised he find *THIS* less embarra...

Authors' Notes & Disclaimer: Well, you guys asked, so we decided to deliver. We are truly humbled by how much you people like this thing! We don't own nothing, and Cassie is still working on kidnapping Orli and Hugo!  
  
P.S. "blah" = speech, 'blah' = thoughts  
  
**************************************************************************** **********  
  
Wow. Fourth Chapter Already?  
  
"Who is that behind you?"  
  
'Oh crap, oh crap.' Legolas pulled the trailing silk into hiding behind Haldir's legs, but it was too late, for Aragorn, Elrond and Gimli had already noticed the stray scrap of gauzy tissue.  
  
"Haldir, are you tormenting one of the ladies again?" asked Elrond with a sigh. This wouldn't be the first case of Haldir's interesting methods of attracting female attention.  
  
'One of the ladies? That's it!' Legolas reached up and began rapidly undoing his braids. There was no WAY he would be caught recognizable in his current clothing.  
  
"Um.no?" was the worried answer. Haldir chanced a glance over his shoulder and gaped blankly at what he saw there. Elrond and his companions found this highly suspicious.  
  
"Haldir, what have I told you about harassing guests? And, Glorfindel, Elladan, Ellrohir, I would have thought you three would have kept him out of trouble! Now, miss, Aragorn here will escort you back." Aragorn stepped forward towards Haldir as Elladan and Ellrohir reached forward to pull him back.  
  
"No, I'm sorry for troubling you, but that won't be necessary. These kind Lords are showing me the way to see Lady Arwen." The voice was rich and silky as the sea-green gown that the voice's owner was wearing. The elven twins and Glorfindel gawked, astonished, at the figure who moved out from behind Haldir. Haldir appeared to be fighting down laughter.  
  
"But we heard a scream." Gimli half questioned, half stated.  
  
"Oh, I'm sorry, but Elladan startled me, and I screamed. I'm sorry for the inconvenience." Legolas's bent head hid his furiously blushing face behind a veil of long golden hair.  
  
"Oh, no trouble at all. Are you sure you don't wish someone less.mischievous to escort you to my daughter?"  
  
"No, milord, these four were doing an admirable job. We were almost there anyway." Legolas motioned down the hall toward Arwen's rooms.  
  
"Well, if you're sure." Elrond and Gimli turned back towards the great hall. Aragorn began to follow, but stopped and scooped up the, to him, mysterious lady's hand.  
  
"I look forward to seeing you at the banquet this evening, Lady.?"  
  
Legolas gulped and flushed. "Legalese."  
  
Aragorn bestowed a kiss on Legolas's hand before turning and hurrying to catch up with his companions.  
  
Silence reigned amongst the four prank-pulling elves as they watched the three walk away. When they had left (elven) earshot, they turned as one to their victim, and gazed upon him in awe.  
  
Legolas reddened at the attention. "What?"  
  
"I can't believe you pulled that off.You saved us .." Glorfindel's eyes were wide with appreciation.  
  
"I didn't do it for you. There was no way I was going to be seen like that. I'm going to go change."  
  
"No, Legolas, you can't! We have to take you to see Arwen!"  
  
"Oh, gods.You four are determined?" He looked around at their hopeful faces. "Oh, all right! I'll go see Arwen with you!"  
  
The others cheered wildly, and, after scooping up their gowned comrade, rushed off down the hall, to Legolas's mutters of, "This better not take too long."  
  
**************************************************************************** ********** Authors' Note: Happy you anti-cliff-hanger people? 


End file.
